Single Girl Diaries:
Still Just Another Single Girl
Navigating Singleness
Navigating singleness in a world where it is not only extremely uncommon but perceived awkward and downright strange. Especially when it has been an ongoing ‘state’ for a long duration of time well honey, now that’s just seen as weird. The reality is that navigating singleness is hard. Allow me to add context to that statement before your assumptions overtake it- kindly.
First, let me introduce myself. My name is Sharon Kabura Kimani, depending where you know me from and how well you know me that name changes slightly. If you are from my work circle you would add the letter’s Dr. to it, if you are from my friends and family circle you will drop almost everything and simply call me Kabs. The importance of the above information well- I’m not sure yet, but I do know that what’s next needs to be noted down: I am currently 25 years old. Last year my 25th birthday celebration was beyond epic and it celebrated 25 years of Goodness and Grace. Another important fact- I have never been in a relationship.
Now that must have shocked you.
You mean never? In the entire duration of your life? Not even once? Not even in high school? Okay define what you mean by a relationship, you must have been in at least one?
At this point I’ll queue all the questions that have probably filled your mind, especially if you have learnt that information for the first time:
There are those who would want to blame me with varying measures of subtlety for that reality: “What’s wrong with you then? Do you not want to get married? Is it that you’re too picky when it comes to guys? Do you just reject everyone that comes your way? Hmmm, you are probably waiting on some prince from Dubai to come and make you his fourth wife? Do you have a mental/physical health problem? Is it that you want to become a nun? Are guys intimidated by you? It’s the way you dress boo. It’s the places you go to, you live between work and your house- no man is going to find you like that. Have you been praying? My dear that should have been a prayer point for 21 days of prayer and fasting. You’re always too busy girl- that’s why guys don’t approach you. Oh and my favourite one that I was told about three years ago from a dear friend : Kabs you walk around with an invisible label on your head written uninterested.
Then they are those who will blame the “system”: Church guys just need some mentorship. You know how high school can be, it’s not a time for serious relationships. Med school- hun those guys are too focused on their books to notice ladies. Work is simply too busy, that is why men there don’t pay attention to the ladies around them. Most of your guy friends are either married or in a relationship, that’s why. The season you’re in isn’t one for a relationship at the moment. The guys around you are too young. The guys around you are too old. The guys around you are too worldly. The guys around you are too spiritual. It’s because of the church you go to, you should visit mine. It’s because you don’t club, let me take you out this weekend. And on and on and on it goes.
All the above are all in an effort to try and explain my singleness and honestly I used to subscribe to all of these channels and questions. Why? Well because I believed, like most, that singleness is a problem, a prison that needs to be escaped or a disease that needs to be cured. So, whoever had the cure or get out of jail free card I was ready for it.
This view is a huge problem because it causes you to fail to see the major “P”.
And that is not the person, but the purpose of your singlehood.
Yes, singleness has a purpose and that is why I now will explain what I mean by Navigating singleness.
Navigating: plan and direct the course of a ship, aircraft, or other form of transport, especially by using instruments or maps – Google
*To plan and direct the course of a vessel
We are not navigating our way out of singleness as some sort of escape from a dungeon nor is it navigating to maintain singleness as if it is a permanent state of residence (for some it is, and that’s okay) but navigating ourselves while in Singleness. Planning and directing our personal courses while in the season of singleness.
Our Singlehood has a purpose.
And that is to get us onto our purpose.
“Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry… I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs--how he can please the Lord.” – 1 Cor 7:1,32
Hold up, this is not Paul advocating for singleness to all Christians, read the text in correct context. Paul here highlights the how singleness actually aids in focus on Gods work because it omits the extra commitment of a significant other. Though he does plainly state that a life of singleness purely devoted to God’s work is not meant for everyone and so encourages people to marry. Why quote this verse? To highlight the fact that there is a lot of purpose in singleness and it is actually the main place where you can sit at God’s feet and hear from Him clearly concerning the path of your life without any other influencing factors.
Let’s go to the first couple noted in the bible: Adam and Eve. It has been said severely before and I will say it again- the order of events is astonishingly amazing.
In chapter one God says Let us create man…. Then after he created “Them” he gave them both a mandate to take care of the garden.
And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.” – Genesis 1:26-28
Both male and female were created with purpose before they were to encounter each other. Ladies your purpose on earth is more than just to be someone’s helper.
Can I say that Louder please!
You were not created to purely assist a man in the task God gave him but to also accomplish the task that God gave you.
Some theologians and certain denominations will have my head for stating that. But the reality is that in the beginning God created male and female and gave them both purpose then he gave them each other.
We are in a society where ladies are trained to solely aspire to marriage. Your job in life is to do well in school, get a job, get married, procreate and eventually die. That is the beginning and end of what a woman should aspire to. Far be it from me to ever subscribe to such nonsense- to think that the only reason God took time in creating female kind was procreation is an insult to His utmost genius.
Why do I say that? In the word it clearly says:
“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.” 2 Corinthians 4:7
“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” – Ephesians 2:10
The bible itself outlines women who walked in their purpose. Jael killed Sisera, the Commander of the Caananite army that rose up against Israel. Deborah lead her people unto victory boldly and firmly declaring the word of the Lord, the Shunammite woman in 2nd Kings chapter 4 provided a resting place for the prophet Elisha and a point of refuge. Esther saved an entire generation from being wiped out. Ruth was a support system and point of hope for Naomi in her time of need. Priscilla was a teacher of the word of God who actually ministered along side Paul and who taught and mentored Apollos on how to express scriptures more clearly. Lydia was a businesswoman who became a financier of the apostles and catered for their board while in Phillipi. The prominent women in Acts had major roles in propagating the gospel. All these women had purposes that were prepared by God long ago and they walked in their purpose.
The season of singleness is a season to discover and diligently walk in the purpose for which you have been created.
It was last year from May to August that I was so grateful that I was still single because it allowed me to travel without questions or apologies. I was able to visit people till really late hours in the night discussing life and fellowshipping and praying with one another. I am able to follow God vigorously and relentlessly now while I don’t have the responsibility of not just another person but an entire household. My Single season affords me the opportunity of time and independent decision making.
And before we go any further kindly note what follows is not just for people who have been single for the duration of their stay on earth like me or people who are not currently in a relationship (post break up etc.) but for all those who the government would term “Single. Yes hun there are Boxes that you tick when you are filling official documents with options as follows:
Married
Single
Divorced
Widowed
As long as God and the Government are yet to acknowledge your union, honey you are still Single and this applies to you.
Here are a few things that I believe we should take time to do while walking in the season of singleness:
Discovering your purpose
I have talked extensively on this topic in previous posts. It is important to spend time at the feet of God and allow Him to reveal the reason He created you. Also note that there is a lifelong purpose and a seasonal purpose. Jesus ultimately came to die for our sins but while He was on earth, he preached the gospel, healed the sick, created disciples and did many other wondrous miracles. Though He knew His ultimate purpose He did not omit Himself from being used on the pathway there.
How do you “Discover your purpose”? There are countless sermons and books on the same. I love the simplistic way it was put to us while I was a teenager in Impact Youth:
Passion + Vision = Mission.
Passion- What stirs you up and what can you not stand to see in society? I spent a good time two weeks ago sitting down with a young passionate globe changer in the making who had a huge heart for Kenya. For some people it’s orphans, others it’s business- what burdens your heart?
Vision- What do you see that can be actively done to change it? What do you see God using you to do about that situation? Now that becomes your mission here on earth.
Listen to the voice of God while you are discovering your purpose so that He may instruct you as He has done for His children since the foundations of the earth up until now. Like in 1 Samuel 3:10 say “Speak Lord, your servant is listening” and He will. And while you wait on Him to speak do fulfill every Christians General purpose- The great commission in Mathew 28:18-20 and also to love everyone especially those who are in the faith.
Navigation step one: Discover your purpose.
2. Walking in your Purpose
Don’t leave this season before you do all that is required of you in it. Don’t just know what you were called to- go out and do it! But Kabs, I see myself running several companies in a Kingdom way and using those finances to propagate the Kingdom of God. Okay dear but know that there is a Lifetime purpose and a seasonal purpose. Ask God what He requires you to do right now.
Plug in- be an active member in life. Get involved in bible study, serve in ministry, volunteer in charity work, participate in events that have been created. Your singleness is a time to plug in.
And do so diligently, don’t give a half-baked effort at life and wait to be excellent when you are Mrs. Someone. You are leaving a mark with your name and face on it everywhere you go- what kind of mark is that? Are you walking in excellence or walking in mediocrity?
I love how Carl Lentz illustrates how to find a wife – Listen to what God tells you to do and start running on the path of purpose. And while you’re running you will find someone running in the same direction as you, when you do introduce yourself.
Get going on the path of your purpose.
The person you are to journey life with is most probably not going in the opposite direction as you. You will most likely find this person on the path of purpose. But don’t let the reason for you walking in your purpose be to meet a person but to serve God truly and hear that “Well done” at the end. Motive matters, lest our works be burnt to the ground as chaff (1 Corinthians 3:13)
Don’t sit around home or become a weekly seat warmer to seats in church waiting for “the one’- get your head down and get serving, walk in your purpose.
Navigation Step Two: Walk in your Purpose.
3. Growing in Character
What my quarter century of singleness (aki, I need an award) has done is exposed areas of my character that still needs the brush of God to work on.
Marriage exposes what you didn’t allow God to work on in your singleness. If you have patience issues, anger problems, trust issues etc. Now is the time for God to work on that.
I love what Pastor Walker Schurz says “Some of you are still single because God is having mercy on your future spouse” Like what? Ebu, have mercy God. Why are you shouting though? Lol.
My prayer became- God as clay in your hands remove any impurities life, sin or I myself may have placed within me. God create in me a clean heart and purify me. Allow my character to be molded to your own that I may reflect your glory wherever I go.
This also spreads to the home.
I used to be a total clutz. In high school I had the ability to stay in a room with a pile of clothes in the middle of the floor for weeks before finally deciding to clean it up. Now I get agitated when my laundry has been sitting in a pile for a few hours. I have literally slept at 4AM on many occasions just cleaning the house because I didn’t have peace to sleep with it in that condition. I have become a better steward of the house I am currently in in this time of singleness.
Some of us need to learn how to manage our own homes and grow in personal care (discover deodorant in singleness as well please, just a side note). Some of us need to grow in terms of allowing people the opportunity to mess up in our space. To all the OCD people out there – may grace be yours.
This is a time to grow in character.
I pray that God may reveal in us what He is yet to work on in our characters and we will be willing to go through the process of molding. Believe me it is painful, sometimes the worst moment is looking in the mirror and seeing all the cracks and flaws that God reveals and knowing that the image is true. But God reveals not to condemn but to redeem (Isaiah 43). Allow His redemptive work to take place in us in our season of singlehood.
Navigation Step Three: Grow in Character.
4. Growing in love
It was last year when I was yet again shown that I still need to grow in terms of capacity and understanding of love. Love is not just an emotion- it goes way beyond that.
I will talk about Learning true love in a whole other post but allow me to highlight that growing in love is important in your singleness because.
a) It is attached to your purpose- God prefers to use those who have a genuine love for both Him and His children.
“Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.” – John 21:16
It is hard to genuinely take care of people that you do not genuinely love. It is hard to serve a God whom you do not genuinely love. I remember God telling me while in Uni “Girl I have no business telling you things about people who you don’t love. I am not in the business of gossiping” I was shocked in that moment because I had cried out for God to use me and He said first He had to enlarge the size of my heart and my capacity to love. Once He did, boy did He use me.
b) It is required as a believer - This point is simply summed up in two portions of scripture:
“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” – John 13:35
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” – Matthew 22:37-40
c) It is important in your future relationship – Learning how to love right with greater capacity will help once you get into a relationship.
This was the biggest learning curve for me last year when I had an encounter with someone who demonstrated what loving wholeheartedly looked like- I was shocked and realized the work that needs to be done in me. This includes putting away my skewed understanding of romantic love and replacing it with a heavenly understanding of it.
I pray that God may Grow us in depth and width of love- that we may love deeper and to a greater degree.
Navigation Step Four: Grow in Love.
5. Drawing Nearer to God
Your time in singleness is a time where you have opportunities of solitude like no other. We have so many expectations of what our relationship and eventual marriage will look like. I love what Bishop TD Jakes said in his sermon: Model Homes II- The power of agreement, now this sermon series was just fire- but he said that your relationship with God is personal and your spouses relationship with God is not your mandate nor your responsibility- you are not called to be their pastor. Wow. This does not mean that you do not show concern for your spouse, it means each of you have to persistently follow God individually. Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.
Have a thriving relationship with your Father in heaven before you invite another person into your heart. Build up your prayer life now before you have a whole entire clan to intercede for. Get so lost in Gods word now that it will take someone who is equally lost in His word to find you. Get so acquainted with the Fathers voice that even His whispers are apparent and when it is time to leave your season of singleness and with whom He will direct you and there will be no confusion.
Navigation Step Five: Draw Closer to God.
So dears see, singleness has a whole lot of navigating to do and getting a significant other isn’t even listed.
Dearies who have been single all their lives like myself- tuko wengi! We are quite a lot, I realized that last year when I put out my first vlog on Single Girl Diaries. You’re not awkward, you are not the problem, you’re not cursed. Calm down- you’re okay. Keep doing what God has told you to do in this season and when it’s time to leave, He’ll let you know.
I pray that during this Valentines period as all the memes and videos flood in, with all the aunties and friends dropping hints, amidst the weddings and engagements that you’ll be attending that God may grant you complete peace.
It’s okay to be just another single girl, put your trust in God who has always had a plan for your life- He is not surprised by this season nor is He concerned about whether or not you’d get out of it because He knows the plans he has for us to prosper and not to harm us. I’d rather follow God’s plan than the worlds timeline for my life- trust me this is from a girl who has almost gotten into several relationships because of the pressure people around her put. I am glad I didn’t and my confidence is not in the constantly changing and failing systems of the world but in the God who loves me and has an amazing plan for me.
When the time comes you will see “Breathing with Bae” posts.
For know I am #StillJustAnotherSingleGirl
Happy Valentines week people- have an epic one.
God bless!
