Learning about true love
I have a lot and very little to say about this topic all at the same time so let me get right into it.
You see I thought I knew how to love. I had attended all the seminars, conferences and sermons, I had read books, sat down with older couples and diligently gleaned wisdom- I was certain that when it came to love I would, like any other exam, excel with flying colours.
Well, that was until I met someone who proved me wrong. How? By demonstrating what love actually looks like and subsequently exposing that despite my extensive research on love I still had no clue how to love. Theory is very different from practical application and “vitu’s kwa ground ni different sana”. Several others showed up to drive that point home and truly expose that when it comes to love I still have a long way to go.
Wait what Kabs? Hold up! First you have to give us details- who, when, where, how? We need details girl! First of all- which person? I am still as single as a mango seed! Lol. Also if I thought it was beneficial I would give all these (very boring unrelated) details to you. But seeing as none of those finer details are related to this post, ha- forget about it! Lol. (ama I make it a 15 page post?). To the squad who like things – 25 years single boos. These lessons were learnt through various people, couples and events that occurred over the year of 2019 that I will collectively refer to as “TS”.
These were some of the avenues God used to restructure my understanding of what love really looks like. You see I am a hopeless romantic, I binge watch Hallmark Movies, I love K-dramas, I live for happy endings. In a nutshell I just love ‘love’. Need to plan a proposal, romantic getaway, surprise for your bae- call me and I will sort you out. Yes, I am that girl who doesn’t go to the wedding for the food but to celebrate love.
This is perfectly okay- but the slight problem is the impact it has on one’s perception of love. It becomes a fantasy fuelled by the imagination of fiction authors, a feeling that is identified by butterflies in one’s stomach and fireworks – the whole hullabaloo of nonsense that we love to watch but disappoints us in reality.
Because that dears, is not love- it is dopamine and serotonin at work producing what we perceive to be attraction.
And the books and videos and experiences are amazing and I would encourage people to plug in, glean that wisdom but honestly a lot is only exposed when in the face of reality than in the context of theory. I believe a friend of mine called Dennis Musau said it best:
“We go to people for wisdom and understanding but we end up not just wanting to use their relationships and experience as inspiration but a direct model. We try to be them and then loose the beauty of who the two individuals are and end up in frustration instead of love.”
‘TS’ was an unrequested dose of humility that I believe is best demonstrated by this portion of scripture:
Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.” John 21:16
This is just a generic piece of scripture until we understand two things. The first is the original Greek that it was written in- no I do not speak Greek but google does, lol. It has been said and dare I say again that English is a very limited language in expressions, Greek however is very detailed and has about six different terms for the word love (that I know of). In this passage Jesus says to Peter “Do you AGAPE me?”
Agape: Unconditional, unrelenting ‘reckless’ love. Often used to describe the love that God has for man.
Simon Peter responds: “Yes Lord I PHILIA you.”
Philia: purely platonic, brotherly/sisterly love.
Wow, when God asks if he loves him unconditionally he basically says ‘well, kinda’.
The second thing that will help give perspective on this verse is remembering who God is asking this. It is Simon Peter, yup- that Peter. This is the same “Jesus if that’s you call me out and I will come” walking on water Peter. The same ‘Lord I will die with you’ Peter. The very same kung fu style ear chopping fearlessly coming at soldiers who were there to take Jesus, yes that Peter. In the above He was being asked a very pointed question by Jesus and what he probably would have said prior to crucifixion was “Yes God, you know I AGAPE you! Come on now.” But after going through the humbling moment of fear that lead to him denying Jesus three times he was given a bitter dose of humility that only allowed him to tell Jesus that he did Philia him. He realized that he did not yet understand true love.
I totally get him. That dose is bitter because it often comes with a contrasting demonstration of what true love is and a sobering reality that what you thought you knew was all, well, nothing. This unwelcomed reality check was so necessary for me because it led me on a journey of reflection, seeking and understanding. I didn’t just want to know how to govern a relationship but I wanted to know how to truly love and so the title ‘Lessons in True Love’ or in the words of… blink if you know who I’m talking about lest I get judged in Christian circles “How to Love” (stop judging it’s a good old song).
Before we go any further let us look at a few other types of Love according to Greek:
Eros: Feeling based love, sexual attraction and passion. Popularly called ‘chemistry’, when you look at someone and ‘feel sparks’ and are awed. I personally think this is (sadly) the most common thing we term “love” as adults.
Philia: purely platonic love, brotherly/sisterly love. Bro-zone category fits in here together with all the other zones- pastor zone, elder zone, friend zone, free-ride to-work-zone and everything in between- lol (what are some zones you’ve been in?)
Agape: unconditional, unrelenting, constant, never ending, never changing love. Most commonly used to describe Gods love for man.
Storge: love of a parent to their child. The natural empathy and affection that one has for their offspring.
Philautia: Self love
Xenia: hospitable love
Now with the Greek understanding of some of the different loves that exist one thing one can draw is that they understood a lot about love.
True Love though, real love is so much deeper than connecting eyes.
This I learnt by watching and sitting at the feet of couples who have been married and in love for over thirty and some even fifty years and who are still in love. This I learnt by spending time with people who actually knew how to truly love. This I learnt by spending time with Love Himself.
So with all the above said here are a few lessons I’ve learnt so far and am honestly still learning on true love:
1. The greatest love is Gods
This seems like an obvious fact but honestly it is one that needs drilling into one’s mind and complete understanding.
“ Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” – John 15:13
Wow, but you know what is even more great is that Jesus used the term friends on people who were going to leave Him dry shortly, people who were about to betray and deny Him. Yes Judas, Peter and all the other twelve who scattered quickly in Gethsemane and were in disguise at Golgotha were seated right there when Jesus was talking about these ‘Friends’ whom He was about to die for. And His death was not only for them but also the ones drilling holes through His hands the people who were mocking Him on the way to Golgotha the guards who stripped and beat Him, the soldier who gave Him vinegar to drink while thirsty on a cross instead of something fresh. All of these people were who He died for and all of these are people who He said He loved. In the middle of their mess he loved them and was willing to die for them.
Indeed greater love hath no man than this.
God’s love is unmatched
His love is Agape
He could look into the eyes of people who He knew would abandon Him at His point of greatest need and still die for them anyway. Now that is indeed the greatest love
“When you ever hear about the Hero dying for the Villain?”- Andy Mineo
Actually, He goes further to say that He isn’t just greater in term of love but actually God IS
Love bringing me to my next point which is:
2. The greatest way to emulate love is by emulating Christ
“..God is Love.” – 1 John 4:8
Wow if God’s love is the greatest and the standard of loving is Him then we might as well give up now on even trying to love right?
Wrong. It is interesting that in the Wikipedia definition of ‘Agape’ love it mentions that it is actually also used to describe the love between spouses. Wow, how amazing that the Greek had a revelation that it was possible for humans to have and show ‘Agape’ love. This portion of scripture actually states that we should love one another because “love is from God” (1 John 4:7). So in order to love people we need to emulate Christ.
Even when the bible describes love in 1 Corinthians 13 it talks about love being patient, kind etc… I find it interesting how these attributes are all echoed in Galatians chapter 5:
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”
– Galatians 5:22-23
It is amazing how the very first fruit of the Holy Spirit is love and the subsequent fruits are echoes of evidence of love as stated in 1 Corinthians 13. God will not set a standard that is impossible for us to attain but He will give us the means to attain it. For Love what that means is first receiving Christ and next becoming like Him as He was a perfect demonstration of love to us here on earth. Allowing Him to transform our hearts and our lives, renew us and restore us as He helps us redefine what love truly is.
“Love is a complete resemblance of God’s heart towards us” – TS Quote
It also means inviting the Holy Spirit to come and shows us how to truly love. Yes, asking the
Holy Spirit to teach us how to love.
I remember praying this years back while in the first years of Uni, it was amazing how God truly transformed me and opened my heart to those around me. But then 2019 happened and He showed me that I need to continue asking Him to continually grow me in the area of love.
That there be less of us more of God. The more of Christ we emulate the more of Love we demonstrate.
3. True love is not feeling based
Eros is a feelings based kind of love, there is an amazing sermon done at Mavuno that touches on this briefly (Click Here for sermon). True love however is not based on feelings and emotions it is so much more. I learnt this while watching REDEFINED TV one day and the person speaking talked about when he realized that he loved his wife- hint, it was not on their wedding day. Nor was it when he proposed, not even when he realized she was the one he wanted to marry. It was when they were at their lowest and he had to go to hospital and take care of her day in and day out (Click Here for video). This showed me that true love is not revealed by triumph but through trails.
You don’t know the depth of love you have for someone until you have an opportunity to respond to them in their worst state. You know you love them in pain, disappointment and conflict.
This point is highlighted best in 1 Corinthians 13
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
Love is not described in the bible as a feeling but as an action and a state. It is very interesting the things that are mentioned here like ‘patience, not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, always hopes, always perseveres’ it’s almost as if God is anticipating the tough times and issues a warning through this scripture. A warning for some and an encouragement to others- love is action.
A TS Quote “Like is because, Love is in spite (despite)”
I was awed when I first heard this because I was doing a self-evaluation and asking myself if I was worthy of Love. I heard this and wrote it on the tablet of my heart in shock, disbelief and awe. I had been sitting and asking myself so many questions, I had asked myself the reason why certain people were interested in me. Was it because they had a pinhole image of who I was? I asked myself “What if they knew the other side of me, would that cause them to run away?”
But then hearing this opened my understanding to so many things. We like people because of who they are, their personalities, based off of evidence or a standard they set etc but there is always a reason behind like. Love on the other hand is beyond reason, you love someone beyond every cause that will convince you not to. You love them in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, for richer and for poorer, when you like them and when you honestly don’t- you hold on to love. Love means regardless of your crazy I choose to continue loving you.
Love is despite.
I know wise people eyy? Lol.
4. The language of love is selflessness
I will open this point with another TS Quote:
“All I wanted to do was give- that’s love”
On valentines evening I was at a sleepover at a good friend’s place and she really expounded on this point. She explained that when you are complete, whole, one you are not looking for someone to complete you or add to you or fill you up but you are looking for someone to share of yourself with and pour into. You are looking to do one thing and that is to give selflessly expecting nothing back. This is when you realize that 1 x 1 x 1 = 1 with that last ‘1’ being God. You bring your one whole self to do nothing but give. That’s real love.
This is also demonstrated in how Jesus loved his disciples, even though they could give nothing in return. All they did was receive constantly from Him but He continued to love them and pour into them. How God loves us, that we have nothing to give back to Him in our frailty and our human estate yet he still pours out His love on us.
The language of love is not how much can I get from this person but how much of myself can I give.
True Love is Selfless.
5. True Love is Irreplaceable
Wait what? Beyonce was wrong? Lol, calm down Beyhive let me explain before you come for my throat.
I worked in the Gynecological Oncology ward for a period of time and while there I struck up a brief friendship with one of the elder gentlemen who was a regular visitor to the ward. I remember he came and told us about his wife, he told us how beautiful she was even though the cancer had taken such a toll on her whole body. He told us that they had been married for about four decades if my memory serves me right and then he said something that would not leave me till date:
“I have never missed a day of visiting, even when I go to work, I have to come through in the evening at least. She is the one and I love her- I can’t and won’t just leave her here by herself.”
And surely day in, day out he was right there visiting his bae and caring for her. Even though her time left here on earth was short he was making sure he got in every moment he could with her because he loved her dearly and in his heart she was irreplaceable.
I have learnt this lesson by looking at the faces of my amazing parents who literally look so lost when the other has travelled- it’s so hilarious and cute all at the same time. We may try and occupy their time but honestly what they need is some bae time.
“I am not purely interested in the notion of a relationship but interested in a relationship with you (specific person)” – TS Quote
When you are truly in love you are not just obsessed with the notion of a relationship, it is not just the dating, the experience the Hallmark worthy scenes but it is the person who truly captures your heart.
Does this mean that once you have been in love you cannot move on especially if it ended badly? Not at all, God heals, redeems and restores. But don’t go looking for another version of the same person, okay? Fill the hole they left with God and allow Him to raise another in your life.
Jesus Himself demonstrated this point in Luke chapter 15 Jesus narrates three parables the first two on the lost sheep and the lost coin. In both He talks about how a good shepherd would leave the 99 sheep to go searching for the one and throw a celebration when that one was found, and how there was rejoicing when the one coin was found from the despite the nine being present.
You are Irreplaceable in Gods sight.
Yes He may raise rocks to praise Him, yes if you don’t walk in your purpose He is at liberty to raise another but when it comes to your soul and how He loves you, it is irreplaceable.
“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance” – 2 Peter 3:9
God’s love is reckless and unconditional, He loves us so much that He sent His only Son to come and die for our sins. Yes, He abandoned His throne in heaven to come and rescue His lost sheep by paying out our ransom in blood. Now that is true love.
It is completely Irreplaceable – you are completely irreplaceable.
If you have not ever encountered the love of God or if you had at some point known God and have since turned away or backslid, I have some amazing news for you- remember the first portion of Scripture from John 21? Well the title of that entire portion is ‘Jesus Reinstates Peter”- yup. After denying Him three times before He faced the cross Jesus looked on at Peter with absolute love and reinstated Him as the leader of the disciples as He departed yet again.
God welcomes you into His loving arms.
Regardless of how far you may have fallen His hand is not too short to save and His love covers over a multitude of sins. If you have not felt Gods love in a long time and have run away due to disappointment and fear, He welcomes you right back into His arms. He never leaves us nor forsakes us. God loves us.
If you want to know this God or recommit your life to Him I invite you to pray the following out loud:
“Dear God, I thank you for your love, I thank you for dying on a cross for my sins. I thank you for calling me your friend even though you were aware of my imperfections. God I confess with my mouth that Jesus is Lord and I believe in my heart that He was raised from the dead so that I can know you. I repent of and confess all my sins and I pray that you may heal me, guide me and restore me completely unto you. Thank you because I am no longer a slave but I am now a child of God. In Jesus name, AMEN!”
Yasssss BOOOOOO!!!!!!!
I am so excited if you prayed the above prayer for the first time or even if you are recommitting your life to Christ I know that there is a party up in heaven going on because of you. Welcome to the family of Christ where you are fully known and truly loved. I encourage you to get into a good bible based church and start to know your Father more through praying and reading His word- The Bible.
Another important note is that your vertical relationship (you with God) will greatly determine your horizontal relationships. For all to thrive keep the first one healthy and in check.
Finally to conclude all of this allow me to issue a disclaimer that these are all lessons I am still learning. I pray that as I grow in knowledge and understanding I may grow up in love as well and continually be able to emulate the love that has been demonstrated to me.
What are some of your lessons in true love?
Please do email us your Feedback at JTWOMANHOOD@GMAIL.COM we’d love to hear from you.
I’m also so excited about the next post which is “To All The Boys I’ve Ever Loved”- this will be awkward if you are one of them, lol. Calm down dears, still just another single girl.
God Bless!
JTW
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