Now this post is not for everyone to read- especially not my dearest parents so mum and dad please click this link (https://journeytowomanhood.wixsite.com/sharonkimani/single-post/2020/02/05/Restored) and read another article. It’s about to get really real with no filters. Why? Well this is one of the hardest parts of Navigating Singleness period.
One thing I know is I eventually would have to get married. Why am I so confident? Well Paul said it best:
“It is better to marry than to burn with passion.” – 1 Corinthians 7:9b
And honey- the burn is real!
Hold up boo, wait a minute. First you are female, second you are a devoted Christian- shouldn’t lust not even be an issue for you?
Haha, have you ever met female Christians? We have some of the biggest issues! Honeys let’s stop deceiving ourselves by calling it “admiring Gods creation” denial of the facts doesn’t help, addressing them does.
Let’s look at some of those facts:
In social context women are often labelled as not sexual beings but purely emotional with a low interest in sex and everything attached to it. The few women who do express such levels of interest are often labelled perverts and weird in society. Sex talks, porn addiction clinics and all other help groups are mostly associated with men as the focus and are mainly drawn in that context. Though in reality:
· Female porn statistics globally shows that at least a third of the global porn market is consumed by women and that at least one in three women in the US alone consume or have consumed porn (https://fightthenewdrug.org/survey-finds-one-in-three-women-watch-porn-at-least-once-a-week/; https://womenintheworld.com/2015/11/25/how-many-women-watch-porn/)
· Female video porn consumption statistics in Kenya alone from Porn Hub show that Kenyan women are some of the highest consumers of porn globally (https://nairobinews.nation.co.ke/life/kenyan-women-among-highest-consumers-of-porn-in-the-world-survey)
And these stats are not even the latest nor do they cover the vast majority of society. Through my interaction with my fellow female folk I have realized that a vast majority of us do burn- and the burn is real. Some read to satisfy the burn- I see you there acting innocent with your mills and boons boo, others satisfy it in other creative ways. Through all this interaction and communication the reality became plain: purity is not as easy as they made it seem in high school nor is lust a purely male problem to deal with.
But we can’t address something that we consistently deny.
Ladies denying that we too are sexual beings makes us suppress our reality and renders us incapable of dealing with it. Denial makes us hide our desires and express them in other vulgar forms that are harmful to self and those around us, especially those we claim to love.
So yes, Maintaining Purity is a very valid conversation for females and one I hope more young female groups would have in light of this reality.
Some myths about Purity:
1. Purity= Virginity
I remember going to a seminar on sex (at church parents, remember the link you were to click? Lol) and being shut down for sharing a definition I had learnt that helped me differentiate things. Why was this differentiation necessary? Well because while growing up purity was preached as virginity so how I received it and also how the many I was surrounded with seemed to as well was simply: you may do everything but sex. As long as it isn’t physical penetration you are still a virgin and therefore you have maintained purity.
Armed with this several pushed the boundaries of almost and ended up in compromising situations. I am not one to act high and mighty as if I have not slipped on my walk (several times before- it’s not easy-o) I’ll tell you my story another day- lol.
But one of the reasons that it was so easy to ‘slip up’ with regards to purity because I thought of it as solely virginity and as long as that was intact “shida ni nini?” (what’s the problem?). Forget guarding my mind and the other parts of my body- the cookie was locked away in the cookie jar so all was well.
What was this differentiation that aided my understanding?
Virginity - the state of never having had sexual intercourse. ~ Oxford Dictionary
Purity - freedom from adulteration or contamination. ~ Oxford Dictionary
They wanted to redefine virginity which sounded amazing and really seemed to work for some… but an oxford definition really didn’t help me personally.
Thinking as what I was to maintain as more than just abstinence from sexual intercourse but to actually maintain the entirety of me free from adulteration and contamination that gave me a more wholistic picture of purity. That it wasn’t just the cookie that needed to be placed in the jar but the whole of me needed a seat in that jar.
That meant that my mind was a place that I needed to keep free from contamination, my hands and mouth shouldn’t wonder places that would not keep it pure.
“As long as fluids start flowing honey- you’re ready for sex” – Peniel Aunty
I remember hearing this gem of wisdom from that same sex talk. It served as a guard to know what activities are leading us into a danger zone of contamination and adulteration. Because it is more than just sex but keeping the whole of you whole and pure.
2. Purity is only for singles and so is only a struggle for those in singleness
First let me clarify that purity is not just for those who are single but applying the same definition to those who are in relationships. Your relationship is also meant to glorify God and one of the ways this is done is by maintaining purity in your relationship. This means ensuring that there is no adulteration or contamination in the way you relate and that it is pleasing to God all the way to the altar.
I have clapped for couples who never kissed until their wedding day, I have also cheered for couples who did. Why am I yielding this information? Simply to state that there are various opinions on the topic “How much can I get away with in my relationship” but honestly when addressing that question from a point of purity and also from the point of your relationship honouring God the whole question and concept changes.
It is not how far you can push the boundaries and still stay pure. It is how much can you honour God through your purity. At what level can you relate and still honour God? How can you design the physical aspect of your relationship so that it too seeks to glorify God?
The word says:
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matt 6:33
So, according to Gods word- if I seek to honour and glorify him in everything, even my purity within a relationship- everything else, including the satisfaction that I also desire, will be granted as well? I’ll subscribe to that, thank you very much. Therefore purity is not only for singleness and by default is not only a struggle for those in singleness.
I believe that maintaining purity is actually harder in relationships because you have the live temptation of another human being available however you are not yet married. For us ladies who burn that is a very huge temptation. A gorgeous man that you call yours- Jesus help us!
How many of us have a “type” of guy that we are attracted to?
How many are currently dating their type of hotness?
My hand may be down because, well read the previous article, but I remember last year being really good friends with a guy I was heavily attracted to- I remember wanting to pounce, yup boo jump on this human being who looked like this delicious bowl of chocolate and we weren’t even friends like that. I had to spend time in prayer and worship so the Holy Ghost would get a hold of me before I got a hold of him- am I being too honest with you dears? I thank God for public places and community, because after that experience I have realized that a long distance relationship may be in my best interest because that human, the one who I’ll post pictures with of us simply existing- yes that one aka future bae- will be fine in my sight (somebady say glory!) and they will be my human ( Oh Jesus take the wheel!). Let me stop there before I start praying stupid things- lol.
Maintaining purity from what I hear for my good friends in relationships, just gets harder within them even if you are both committed God fearing, tongues speaking Christians. It requires more than just will power but boundaries/ guardrails (where are my DICF people at? Lol), community and accountability- not cute check up on each other once a week accountability but real ‘honey come and get me from town because bae is looking like a whole five course meal today’ type accountability. The type that would literally let you sleep on their couch just so that you can keep yourself from compromising situations type accountability.
You also need constant heart checks, one thing that I realized is that sometimes we are aware of how we are feeling with regards to desire and how we are physically relating but the other person may not be so okay. E.g. Heather Lindsey at the movies with her new bae (Cornelius Lindsey) innocently grabs his hand and leans on this man’s shoulder. This man who was her boyfriend at the time (current husband) can’t even watch the movie as he is all sorts of triggered. After that movie , which was actually their first together, they decided to not watch movies alone anymore.
Come on Kabs that is just being extra. Well it may seem like that but if something I enjoyed was actually negatively affecting someone I claimed to love I would reconsider how I do it or even doing it at all because the person I love is more important than whatever that is. Is whoever you are with more important than activities/ comfort/ clothes etc. If so, have honest conversations on how to help each other continue to honour God in their walk in purity.
There is also keeping your marriage bed pure by not inviting anyone else into it. This may be through lust, porn, masturbation, or an actual human being. The word says that whoever looks at a woman (or man) lustfully has already committed adultery with her/him in their hearts (Matthew 5:28).
Purity is something that should be maintained through life. This is another reason why I object to “Redefining Virginity” versus “Maintaining Purity” because it insinuates that it is only up until you consummate your marriage- once you are done with the virgin part the maintenance and need to guard one’s mind and heart is over. This is simply not the case, I have met several married people who tell me how they constantly have to guard their minds when they meet men who are more handsome than their husbands.
Purity is a lifelong walk.
Maintaining purity as a single is whole crazy ball game but it is something that needs to be maintained through life as you keep and guard the purity of your relationship and your marriage.
3. Purity is only for those who’ve never fallen
Honey who lied to you? Some Mama (with all due respect) who thought that would scare you straight? Pole sweetheart if you have ever felt condemned and rejected in the very place where you are supposed to feel loved and accepted in the midst of your mess.
You don’t have to be a virgin to claim purity.
Especially on this earth where there are all kinds of monsters who steal the innocence of little children.
You are not marred for life because of what may have happened to you. You are not crossed off and barred from heaven because you made wrong decisions. God is not mad at you and condemning you in the corner together with the group of Mama’s gossiping about how damaged you are.
God on the contrary wants to see you healed and restored unto that pure state.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, they are a new creature: old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” – 2 Corinthians 5:17
He doesn’t reject you for your past, nor does he make you constantly live in.
He takes away all that was and grants all of us a clean slate, a new beginning in Him.
Regardless of what may have happened, no matter any of the details, they all are unimportant and are all rendered null and void under the blood of Jesus. All it takes is repentance- that is two things: confessing any sin you may have committed in the eyes of God and turning away from it by choosing to walk with Him on a path of holiness and purity.
Gods arms are wide open to all.
4. A Purity problem is cured by marriage
Can we shout this together: LIE!!!
How do you know that Kabs? You’ve never been married. That is very true hun, but I have been on earth long enough to know that most marriage problems (second to money) are ultimately purity problems that weren’t dealt with in singleness.
Adultery being a chief consequence, cheating is now seen as a common thing for both sexes which is a lie that the enemy has been trying to propagate. Heard of married people who are addicted to porn? Heard of couples getting counselled because of unfulfilled sex lives which are mainly unfulfilled because they don’t live up to porn fantasies?
Marriage will expose whatever you didn’t allow God to work on in your singleness.
That includes lust.
So what is purity if it is not all the above
Purity - freedom from adulteration or contamination. ~ Oxford Dictionary
Complete freedom from any contamination or adulteration
Purity is whole: That means every part of your being is kept in an unadulterated state for the duration of life. Your mind, heart, spirit and physical self is kept. So that includes what you watch and place in your mind, what you do with your heart, what you do with every part of your body. Purity includes you as a whole person remaining without blemish.
Purity is for everyone: whether in a relationship, married or single (like me) we all are on a path unto maintaining purity as we seek to glorify God as a primary in every state (or status) we find ourselves in. It is not for the “holier than thou’s” nor the pastor kids but is availed to all regardless of past mistakes or events. The resurrection power of Jesus is strong enough to reverse all the enemy stole and our God is gentle and loving and accepts all who come to him. Purity is for everyone
Purity is lifelong: Not for a season of singleness but it is a lifelong walk of ensuring that at every stage of life your lust is kept in check and your burn/thirst is placed under self-control so that your singleness, relationships and marriages can prosper and be free of adulteration or contamination.
A few steps that have helped me and a few ladies I walk with on the road of Maintaining
Purity:
1. Why
Understand why you are maintaining purity. Not knowing the purpose of a standard may easily result in one faltering in it.
I personally had to realize that purity was not just to impress my parents and also not embarrass them with a child out of wedlock after growing up in church and them encouraging many young people on their walks. I had to get over the fact that purity was not just me “Keeping all that burns at bay until marriage” because that distorted my view of marriage- marriage in my mind was for sex. So, I wanted to get married so that I could legally (well Christian legally, lol) have sex. It sounded fun and was a very valid reason in high school. But after growing in faith, maturity and understanding I was able to understand that there is a whole lot more to marriage than sex, a whole lot more to purity than pain and a whole lot more to sex than satisfaction
Purity is there for three “P’s” the first is Protection. I have a friend who told me that they’d have no patience time to be running around the house telling their kids “no” and “don’t do that” to be met with their constant comebacks of why not “Kabs I will just let that child touch the fire and know how it feels to get burnt so they will know from then on that daddy wasn’t joking and daddy knows what he is talking about.” I laughed while silently feeling sorry for those future kids. But I also thanked God because He is patient and does have the time to go around telling us to say no and doesn’t wait for us to get burnt to tell us “I told you so”.
Purity protects us from so much. First emotional and spiritual attachments with people who are temporary in our lives (I’ll speak on Soul Ties another time). Addictions to material that will not only steal our time but also alter our fantasy’s and expectations of reality and eventual performance in reality (studies say, calm down people). Purity protects us from contaminating our love and hurting those whose hearts we hold by stepping out in lust.
Purity also allows us to use what we have in Purpose. That is best way to enjoy something- as it should be. Have you ever had good steak? Like cooked to perfection and seasoned and dipped and with gravy and potatoes on the side. Like not cute outdoor braai steak that has been under or over done or improperly seasoned and not even marinated but properly done masterly roasted steak? (yup, even when discussing purity food is still bae, lol) Imagine eating that. Steak as it is meant to be. In it’s proper state. That, I believe, is how we may enjoy our sex lives when done properly. God invented sex, He made the hormones vasopressin, oxytocin, testosterone, progesterone, estrogen etc that all stimulate and send us into havoc with regards to purity. I believe He designed it not to be mean and burden us with the temptation of ourselves but to guide us and eventually satisfy us in it. Purity is for us to be able to enjoy what God designed in it’s purest and best state.
Purity also allows us to Please God with our bodies. Honouring God not just with tithes and Sunday adoration but also in relationship and with physical reverence and worship by maintaining the sanctity of the spirit of God that dwells in this temple that is my body. Purity is important to me because pleasing God and honouring the Holy Spirit within me is more import than pleasing myself and satisfying momentary desires.
It is also important to understand the purpose of sex itself.
It is the highest form of intimacy.
Two individual beings unite and become one.
Not separated by space or distance or anything at all. And if this is someone that you love and are walking in heavenly purpose with you are literally in that moment one at all three levels of being. You are one in mind and soul, one in spirit and one in body. This complete unification is the utmost demonstration of love both given and received to one another and glorifying God in the process.
I remember hearing a young youtuber explain it this way:
Sex is the moment when you are most like God because He is the Father Son and Holy Spirit as one and in that moment we unite as one and create a covenant with each other. It becomes a sacred place and also a joyous place when we understand that because we know that is where we were meant to be when we are demonstrating the glory of God.
You can tell I have thought on this topic a lot right? Because it is important not just to me (though I was the chief reason for research) but also because sex misunderstood is a huge cause for brokenness worldwide.
(This post is getting long, lol. Allow me to end the why there… or here) Why do you want to Maintain purity? Because it looks good or do you genuinely want to honour and please God with your body? Or maybe to protect not just yourself but those around especially the one you will be cleaved to? Perhaps because you want to enjoy God’s gift in the best most uncontaminated form by enjoying it within purpose? What is your why?
2. Who
Who to walk with on the journey- get accountability. Not the cute check up on you once a week to seeing how you are doing accountability but ,as previously mentioned, the ‘in-your-face’ type- those people who will literally grab your phone and do random checks to see what you’ve been watching. Those friends who will come pick you up from that guys house when will power has left the group. Those friends who will hold a bonfire to help you burn all those illicit books you had been reading.
Real community and intentional accountability is a necessary guard rail to maintain you on the course of purity. Who is keeping you “up in your face” accountable?
3. What
What are your triggers? After talking to several ladies on this issue I realize that we all have different weaknesses pertaining to this- Know yours! For some it’s books- books are usually the gateway into porn addiction for most females: dear parents (now you may read, lol) please do check on the books some of your young teenagers are reading, they may be taking them down a slippery path. Not all books are good books- can I say that louder! Mills and Boons is not your friend dear. I heard the havoc that some marriages went through because the wives tried to re-enact what they learnt in fifty shades of grey. It’s not worth it boo- put that book down. For others it’s actual pornography. Some require physical stimulation so masturbation, others need another person’s stimulation so will fornicate on various levels. And still others have a whole party in their minds, you’d think someone is sitting innocently but there is a whole movie playing out in their brains.
The burn is real for all and ‘taking care of it’ through all these creative means is all sin. Yes, call a spade a spade and a sin a sin.
“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.” – Ephesians 5:3
Know your weakness through analyzation (not experimentation) by seeing what triggers you to go down the wrong path if you have an ongoing lust problem and then you will also know what to avoid. I personally had to stop up to 80% of series I used to watch because they were just triggers that I didn’t need in life. And on that note dear Christians may we stop encouraging each other to watch things like Game of thrones which we claim to have an amazing story line but is honestly glorified pornography. I personally watched only three episodes and ran away so fast that I couldn’t tell you the beginning or end of the story- it’s a medieval set series where people fight and have a lot of sex- the end.
Know what triggers you and don’t entertain it but run away from it.
4. How
A few practical steps:
A) Avoid isolation – being alone can sometimes be great for solitude and reconnecting with God but may also be the ideal place for sin to tempt you because of the absence of witnesses and false sense of security (no one will know). Also, an idle mind is the devil’s workshop- so a mind that is in isolation and idle is the devil’s headquarters. Don’t give the enemy room to tempt you, get your mind out of isolation. Instead of positioning yourself for defeat position yourself for victory.
B) Replace lustful thoughts with worship – don’t take your mind from lust to nothingness because that really does not help the situation. Divert your attention to something that will allow you to focus on God and also centre your spirit while silencing the enemies temptations. Sing aloud, pray aloud- be louder than the thoughts to shut them up, you can’t combat thoughts with thoughts but combat thoughts with words.
C) Disconnect from the triggers – books, movies, TV shows, people- yes people. No, I do not mean you ‘cut of the toxic’- we grew from that remember. I mean people who you ‘mess around’ with (is that even still a term used, lol) stay out of their company intentionally and avoid compromising situations with them. Ladies those guys who wear that amazing cologne with those muscles, yeah him- stop hugging him and repenting for your lustful thoughts later- handshakes are a perfectly acceptable way to greet people. Disconnect for triggers completely.
D) Expose the problem – don’t suffer in silence. That is one of the reasons I felt this post necessary because they were too many young ladies who are seriously struggling with lust and being defeated constantly by the enemy because they are trying to stand alone. Get into a good safe space and shine light on that mould that is secretly strangling you and instead get strengthened in community (Who) and conquer your battle.
E) Exercise- yes it is a good distraction but it also releases some of the hormones that your body would if you were to physically engage with someone hence you are able to cool the burn, distract your mind, get healthy and avert a threat all at the same time.
5. When
For us ladies we also have cyclic seasons of extreme burning, we inevitably (for lack of a better term) go into ‘heat’ and want to mount anyone who comes close- that is your body telling you to procreate and happens around the time of ovulation. Honey’s we need to know our menstrual cycle well and know our orange zone (peak time of fertilization). Many calendars are available for you to track your periods and some also have the function to check your ovulation time. Download the apps and change the game by changing your strategy.
Ovulation takes place usually on the 14th day of your menstrual cycle with the first day being your first day of menses (period). You often have other symptoms associated with that, often a temperature rise (your temperature will raise by approximately One degree during ovulation) amidst others.
Knowing your “when” allows you to not play defensive ball with your purity but take an offensive position- this is the change in strategy. Not sitting down waiting to defend a blow but attacking the opponent head on.
Plan activities around that time like exercise – yes boo active activities. Avoid certain people who if they look at you just right you gonna have a problem (as previously outlined in ‘How’). I personally don’t hug certain people around this time because first their cologne- dear Lord. Then the way they hug- oh Jesus take the wheel. For the sake of my sanity and purity in totality I do handshakes instead because some of these brothers in Christ can make one stumble.
Maintaining purity is not easy for most of us, but it is also not impossible.
Having had my share of ups and downs concerning the same I can testify that God can stablize your shaky walk and you may genuinely walk in freedom of mind, soul, spirit heart and body with the Holy Spirit with regards to purity. Allow Him to take the front seat. Let Jesus take that wheel.
I sincerely pray that God may grant healing to all who need it, I pray that He will restore us unto wholeness and that He may guide us on our walks of maintaining purity. I pray that we will be surrounded with the right accountability to submit to and that we may all have glorious testimonies on how we overcame temptation and honoured God with our purity. Amen.
For those who’d like to dive a bit deeper, need a listening year or simply want to share please do contact us either via the contact bar provided or email us at JTWOMANHOOD@GMAIL.COM.
Finally I have put together a 100 Days of Purity Challenge for those who want make a new commitment to their walk in purity. If you’d like to participate in it please do either email (JTWOMANHOOD@GMAIL.COM) or download this pdf file and follow the instructions accordingly. Get involved and boldly take a step to walk in purity as a lifestyle. Your Feedback and Testimonies are extremely welcome.
Unfortunately the downloadable links are currently not functioning. Kindly Email Us either using the contact bar or at JTWOMANHOOD@GMAIL.COM and request either of the following
100 Days of Purity Challenge
Purity Pledge
God Bless
JTW
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